Escapism in Men

Escapism in Men 

I talk about escapisms a lot. Video games are usually the target of my rants. However, we have also targeted drinking, staying out, emotional cheating and a few other things. 

I think however, it's time to break down the causes. It’s no secret that I believe a man should provide for his family. I’ll take it a step further and say a man should not breed or marry until he is capable of doing so. Now there will be a lot of people who disagree with that. And that’s fine. Even some men will disagree. But, almost all of you men who disagree, given the opportunity to support your family, you would want to be that man. Allowing your wife and children a good life. Where your wife can be a full time mother, raising your children in a way that you see fit, instead of sticking them in day cares and government run indoctrination centers. Excuse me. They call those public schools now. 

You know you want to be that man. You want to be able to be the husband and father that your family is proud of. If you’re not and I am wrong then I think it’s safe to say that you shouldn’t have a family. 

Now let’s talk about the workload that comes into all of this and the reason for this message. We grind. We work to provide the things we want. To be able to give our families everything they need while still trying to maintain all of the other responsibilities in life. And sometimes we just want a fucking break. You get off of work after a long day. Exhausted. All you want to do is shower. Find your favorite chair. Position yourself in that way that you know is most comfortable for you. And just breathe. Relax. And decompress. 

This is where the escapism comes into play. You have responsibilities to your job, company, business, employees, children, wives, schooling, bills, debt, other family members, maintenance, chores, all while being told you need to do more. Plan vacations, weekends away, family outings, kids sports. And it seems like no matter what. It never ends. You’re always needed for something. On top of all of that, you have to balance time with your wife to not ruin your relationship and marriage and a lot of the time that means doing what they want to do regardless of what you want to do. Because they have emotional needs that are vastly different from yours. 

We have preached self care for women this entire podcast. It’s time that we do the same thing for Men. Sometimes that means taking a full day and laying on the couch watching sports. Or playing video games all day and ignoring the honey do list. This isn’t escapism. It’s taking a zero. Sometimes we need that. Even God said after 6 days of creation. Ok. It’s time to recharge my batteries. The example has been set. 

I know people get worked up over their partner being consumed with the escapism of their choice. More and more of their free time goes to the small things that bring them enjoyment. I believe that’s because we aren’t truly getting a break. When escapism becomes a problem and arguments start around the hobby we enjoy it makes the enjoyment of it less. Unless you’re doing it away from the person complaining. And at that point you’re not really resetting. 

When was the last time you truly took a down day and just did whatever you wanted to do? When was the last time you knew exactly what you wanted to do and didn’t feel so run down that the idea of doing it just didn’t seem worth doing so you skipped it? Do you see the pattern here? We all need a routine. We need to know when our batteries are low and how to recharge them. 

I hope that this gives men and women something to think about. I know people will say what about me? When do I get a chance to relax and decompress? That’s a great question and valid. But that does not negate the fact that your person needs it too. When did you lose your compassion? When did you stop loving them the way you used to? When did you stop seeing all their efforts and only focus on the negative? How has that served you since? Tell me, are you truly happy? I’m guessing not. 

Let me ask you this. How fucking empty do you feel? Is it any wonder why someone who brings a level of excitement into your life makes you want to latch onto them? This feeling of disparity. The loneliness, the feeling of I’m not enough unless I am carrying the load of the world on my shoulders is what drives a lot of us to start looking for happiness in others. Simply because we have accepted this life and have done nothing to correct it. Or simply believe that it can’t be corrected. It can. When you become obsessed with porn, if you start talking to that new girl at work or start yearning after other women, you are unknowingly training your brain to despise your partner. You start only seeing their flaws. Only hearing their criticisms. And you no longer see them the way you did when you started courting. You are losing. Losing at marriage and at life. 

Now I am assuming you all want to break this cycle. You want to be able to fulfill the needs placed on you by your family. And life. And the only way to accomplish this is to set boundaries. You can go at 100% for a while. Hell you can go at 110% for a bit. But eventually you will crash and need to recover. Going 100% all the time will eventually tax other areas in your life and you will fail. You will let people down. Because in order to be 100% at something you have to sacrifice somewhere else. Now I’m not talking about balance. Balance is bullshit. Balance gives you an excuse to take it easy when you need to be pushing. I’m talking about boundaries. Do not give more of yourself to things that do not properly serve you, your goals or your family. Not everything in life needs you at 100%. Not everything even deserves your 100%. Sometimes it’s ok to put some shit off. 

Have you ever had a fight with your person and it was worth it? Did it result in resolution or more conflict and resentment? 

How often do we fight simply because we want to be right? How does that serve you? Were you right? Did you win that argument? Because you still fucking lost. So did they. You don’t win arguments with the people you love. You’re either able to resolve things. Or you end up hurting each other. You train each other not to come to the table when things are going on. Shit gets bottled up. Little things become mountains and you now have to figure out how to climb that mountain while carrying a heavier load. Because the weight of conflict doesn’t just go away. You’re carrying your own regrets. Your shortcomings will always be staring at you when you look in the mirror. The should’ve, could’ves. The I wish I had handled that better will haunt you for a lifetime. 

So did you win that argument? Did they? No one wins in war. Diplomatic resolution should always be the way. Allow cooler heads to prevail. 

So often people live in the I need to be right mindset that simple conversations become major arguments. When you feel like you can’t win, the argument will be turned around on you or a simple conversation will become the blame game and you internalize your issues. Things do not get resolved or fixed as men like to believe. As fixers, when we do not see a way to improve the situation we become helpless, exhausted with trying and eventually simply quit. This is where the escapism starts. The problem isn’t the escapism, It’s the cause of the escapism. It’s the lack of being able to communicate with each other. This behavior is taught. Not just from past relationships and parents. But from the person you are currently with. Through lived experience and repeated failures.